Mayonnaise is the most disgusting thing on this planet and it needs to be stopped. At Holdthatmayo Headquarters, we initially thought the best way to fight this beast was to endorse other condiments. However, contributing to the Ketchup lobby backfired . If left unsupervised, ketchup will stray to the other side of the tracks, hang with the "wrong element" and boom, come back as Russian dressing. (which can easily find its way back on an unsuspecting sandwich in most Jewish deli's) Hence the mayonnaise comes full circle and thus, has the last laugh,. Next, we looked at Mustard but turns out, that can not be trusted either. You see, its kissing cousin, Dijon, may occasionally cross over to the "other side" of the tracks and mix with you know what. Yup, mayo is indeed the condiment whore.
We are now all about education and prevention. The root problem is clearly psychological .... a deeply rooted fear..... a fear that in most cases, stems back to early childhood….a fear so strong that people will even resort to cracking open a raw egg on their bread . It’s the dreaded fear of a dry sandwich. Well, the mayo manufacturers not only know, but totally exploit such a fear. However, it is completely unfounded. We do not have to be victimized by the huge lie, propagated by the evil mayo industry; that they sell the only product able to effectively moisturize a sandwich. For example, take the tomato. In fact, not only take it, but embrace it. Believe it or not, all one needs on a sandwich is a tomato, the ultimate sandwich moisturizer. Science backs up this statement. Tomatoes alone (even in the absence of any condiments) have been shown in several double-blind foodie studies, to moisturize a sandwich just as well as mayo. However, it does so without all the nasty side effects. (like soggy bread and being just plain gross and disgusting) The tomato is the key to conquering this fear of a dry sandwich. Then suddenly and magically, one will see the madness behind cracking open a raw egg on the bread.
We, at Holdthatmayo Headquarters, are so offended by mayo, that we even object to watching it go into other people’s stomachs. We have no hidden agenda here. We are open with our prime objective; to permanently rid the world of this gooey white evil condiment. But for now, baby steps. Mayo is very common place in deli's, but at least there, people intuitively know to say “hold that mayo” to avoid a sandwich infection. But how about a burger?? Sound crazy to you? Well unfortunately, there has been a recent, disturbing trend of restaurants putting mayo on, believe it or not, burgers. What’s most scary is that unsuspecting victims may not realize there’s a mayo infection until they receive their plate, or even worst, after they bite into the burger! No doubt, the French must be behind this but we have have no official evidence to prove that just yet. So for now, public enemy #1 is Friendly’s restaurant, a soulless entity that defaults to mayo in their "All American" burger. Repeated formal requests to change their policy or at least start putting it on the side have been ignored. So the time has come to hurt them where it counts....in their pocketbook! Therefore, we are officially requesting all our followers to begin a Friendly’s boycott, until they change this harmful policy. We also encourage you to answer the survey form on the right nav, regarding this topic, so we can gage public support.
By the way, it’s nice to finally start seeing food celebrities jumping forward with their disgust about this product. And we certainly have a big one on our side. Are you ready... drum roll...dadadadadadadadadada.....RACHAEL RAY, founder of the 30 minute meal, reigning diva of the Food Network and most recently, host of a daytime talk show, has come forward about her stance on mayo. Since she is “one of us,” I think it’s important that we support Rachael Ray in all her endeavors.
Happy eating,
Craig
