Hot Dog Theory of Man

So a reality television star is actually putting condiments into the spotlight. Introducing Jillian Harris, who during a previous stint on the Bachelor, came up with a very quirky love theorem. It’s based on hot dogs! Yes, I said hot dogs so no need to adjust your monitor. In the World According to Jill, the window into a man’s soul is his preferred topping . ( * when limited to only 1 hot dog accessory ) Now that Jill upgraded herself to the star of “The Bachelorette,” this restaurant designer and wannabe foodie psychologist can really dig deep into field testing. However, before poking any holes into Jill’s “theory” we first need to express that:

   a) We think it’s mega cool that she’s so passionate about hot dogs.

   b) Thank God she didn't dare include mayo as a possible hot dog condiment!

The problem is that while it is certainly very original and clever, there is not even the slightest remnant of logic to back it up. As the above link references, she feels squeezing out some ketchup denotes “an all American boy who is not a huge risk-taker.” Ex-squeeze me? First of all, there is nothing more un-American than a bleeding hot dog. Everyone knows mustard is clearly the yankee-doodle-dandy of hot dog condiments. The only thing good anyone could say about the ketchup move is that it's ballsy, which clearly contradicts the second part of her diagnosis. I think all this confusion might stem from Jillian actually being from Canada and not the U.S., so we'll cut her a bit of slack and move on. She concludes “onion guys will never marry” (possible due to bad breath?) and “Sauerkraut is the bad boy.” (hopefully, she does not offend too many Germans with the latter) But even if you can somehow roll with these culinary indications of sour traits, things turn even more ridiculous and fast as she expands her analysis in the video above. Jillian seems to be obsessed with finding “a mustard” who she feels are the most balanced people . However, the mustard gene pool runs deep. It's not like searching for the Holy Grail. What sort of freak doesn’t like mustard on their hot dog? Also in the video , she finally addresses relish , a condiment that can’t be overlooked since it’s probably the second most popular hot dog topping out there . She associates pickle juice with being artsy and creative but when she gets caught off guard by a bacon answer, she backpedals to  her official relish response. The problem is that bacon and relish have no similarities on the food chain. Plus, there is nothing creative about adding bacon because it makes everything taste better, duh! And then, fried onions denotes multiple marriages, but raw onion dudes will never marry?  Okay I am dizzy now from watching this video. Jillian, stop limiting your options and just date any preferred hot dog topping out there. As long as it's not mayo, we'll be rooting for you!

Happy eating,

Craig Horwitz

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