The Mayo Conspiracy

Written & directed by Anthony J. Vollmer & Craig Horwitz

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Fear of a dry sandwich

Mayonnaise is the most disgusting thing on this planet and it needs to be stopped. At Holdthatmayo Headquarters, we initially thought  the best way to fight this beast was  to endorse other condiments. However, contributing to the Ketchup lobby backfired . If left unsupervised, ketchup will stray to the other side of the tracks,  hang with the  “wrong element” and boom, come back as Russian dressing. (which can easily find its way back on an unsuspecting sandwich in most Jewish deli's) Hence the mayonnaise comes  full circle and thus, has the last laugh,.  Next, we looked at  Mustard  but turns out, that can not be trusted either. You see,  its kissing cousin, Dijon, may occasionally cross over to the “other side” of the tracks and mix with you know what. Yup, mayo is indeed the condiment whore.

We are now all about education and prevention. The root problem is clearly psychological …. a  deeply rooted fear…..   a fear that in most cases, stems back to early childhood….a  fear so strong that people will even  resort to cracking open a raw egg on their bread .  It’s the dreaded  fear of a dry sandwich. Well,  the mayo manufacturers  not only know, but totally exploit such a fear. However, it is completely unfounded.  We do not have to be victimized by the huge lie, propagated by the evil mayo industry;  that they sell  the only product able to effectively moisturize a sandwich. For example, take the tomato. In fact, not  only take it, but embrace it. Believe it or not, all one needs on a sandwich is a tomato, the ultimate sandwich moisturizer. Science backs up this statement.  Tomatoes alone (even in the absence of any condiments)  have been shown in several double-blind foodie studies, to moisturize a sandwich just as well as mayo. However,  it does so without all the nasty side effects. (like soggy bread and being just plain gross and disgusting)  The tomato is the key to conquering this fear of a dry sandwich. Then suddenly and magically,  one will see the madness behind cracking open a raw egg on the bread.  

We, at Holdthatmayo Headquarters, are so offended by mayo, that we even object to watching it go into other people’s stomachs.  We have no hidden agenda here. We are open with our prime objective;  to permanently rid the world of this gooey white evil condiment. But for now,  baby steps. Mayo is  very common place in deli's,  but at least there, people intuitively know to say “hold that mayo” to avoid a sandwich infection. But how about a burger?? Sound crazy to you? Well unfortunately,  there has been a recent, disturbing trend of restaurants putting mayo on, believe it or not, burgers. What’s most scary is that unsuspecting victims may  not realize there’s a mayo infection until they receive their plate, or even worst, after they bite into the burger! No doubt, the French must be behind this but we have  have no official evidence to prove that just yet. So for now,  public enemy #1 is Friendly’s restaurant, a soulless entity that defaults to mayo in their “All American” burger. Repeated  formal requests to change their policy or at least start putting it on the side have been ignored.  So the time has come  to hurt them where it counts….in their pocketbook!  Therefore, we are officially requesting  all  our followers  to  begin a  Friendly’s boycott, until they change this harmful policy. We also encourage you  to answer the survey form on the right nav, regarding this topic, so we can gage public support.

By the way, it’s nice to finally start seeing food celebrities jumping forward with their disgust about this product. And we certainly have a big one on our side. Are you ready… drum roll…dadadadadadadadadada…..RACHAEL RAY, founder of the 30 minute meal, reigning diva of the Food Network and most recently, host of a daytime talk show, has come forward about her stance on mayo. Since she is “one of us,” I think it’s important that we support Rachael Ray in all her endeavors.

Happy eating,


13 comments to Fear of a dry sandwich

  • Anonymous

    People that put mayo on cheesesteaks are comunists.

  • Anonymous

    I admit it! I have the fear of eating a dry sandwich! I do not believe in a tomatoe acting as a moisturizer. Infact I don't really like eating a sandwich with a juicy tomatoe, because it squirts everywhere, and the little seeds get on my nerves. The tomatoe doesn't have time to moisten the bread, it's too busy squirting out the sides to cover the inside. A turkey club just isn't the same without mayo. I love mayo! I love everything mayo based! Have you ever tried any of the Marie's Salad dressings? They are awesome, especially the Ranch kind! I feel sorry for those of you that deprive yourselves of the joy of mayo on anything. Now Rachel Ray, whom I love, won't go near mayo. I guess some people just don't like mayonaise, for fear of delicious sandwhich that may stick to the hips.

  • Anonymous

    Ok, mayo fear monger Craig. Dijon does NOT contain mayo. Maybe you are harboring a fear other than mayo, huh? Speak the truth and stop the fear mongering! Mayo rules!

  • Anonymous

    what if it's a cheese steak hoagie?

  • Anonymous

    Okay, it’s time for me to jump in but first let me thank everyone for kicking out the first wave of comments on this blog. Very exciting.
    So let’s start off with the cheesesteak discussion. As horrible as it is to put mayo on a cold sandwich, the though of this condiment sizzling and bubbling on a hot sandwich is even more offensive. …we are talking “First Degree Food-Slaughter!” And even though it’s rare, I have seen this freakish behavior first-hand so it’s important that we, the mayo-hating community, do not turn our heads. (even if the mere thought gives us nightmares) Do no trust anyone who exhibits such behavior and I highly encourage all types of abusive name-calling when referring to these eaters. (if anything, the original comment let em off easy.) Now as far as trying to justify this blasphemy by adding a “cheesesteak hoagie” loophole , well that is utterly ridiculous. First, since that particular comment referenced a hard core philly term, a quick definition is in order , just to make sure we’re all on the same page. A typical steak sandwich will have sauce on it but occasionally a restaurant will offer the “steak sandwich hoagie” which is a hybrid between the two sandwiches. So in lieu of the sauce, you get the hoagie toppings like tomato, onion and lettuce. So far , so good. Now unfortunately we live in a world where mayo is offered as a “standard” hoagie option but that is just plain wrong because even if the tomato is not enough to conquer your fear of a dry sandwich, there is always the “oil’ route. So we certainly endorse oil for those hoagie-eaters who require the extra moisture. And it’s not like anyone is gonna need both oil AND mayo. So getting back to the hybrid, between the oil/grease from the steak and the tomatoes on top, why should anyone feel there is justification for mayo? Just because of the term “hoagie” added to the name? That is crazy talk.
    Now, regarding Dijon, please read the ingredients before eating because in some instances, there is a danger of mayo. Also, be extremely careful with anything termed “horseradish mustard” or “horseradish sauce” as mayo is frequently used as a filler. (which is why I will only eat 100% pure horseradish.

  • Anonymous

    Ha! I ahve something to add that will most definitely cause those Mayo-Haters out there to suffer convulsions…I lovelovelove to use mayonnaise (say it…it just rolls off the tongue in such a delicious way!) with my FRENCH FRIES! Yummy, yummy dip, way better than ketchup, and I encourage anyone to try it! It will change your life, in good way! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Hey Jenni, Thanks for your input. Yes, that disgusting habit of dipping frenchfries in mayo was documented way back in 1994 in the film, Pulp Fiction, as being common-place in France. Just another reason why this site does not respect France in any way. In fact, perhaps we'll make them our next official boycott. What do you think of them apples.
    Happy eating,

  • Anonymous

    Americans should not be allowed to talk about food. I'm almost sure that you have never try real mayo that doesn't come in a jar from the supermarket.

  • `buubs


  • Mayo is the worst thing invented (and to the poster above, yes, real mayo sucks just as bad). I hate anybody that puts it on a sandwich. Leave mayo on the side for everything, stop trying to force mayo on those of us that hate it.

  • Rich Edwards Esq

    One simply can’t bear mayonnaise on my dry chicken sandwich. And here in merry olde England some brutes put Salad Cream on instead. They should be put in the stocks.

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